My Biggest Frenemy

Just so you know, I use the term "frenemy" loosely here.  I'm not cool.  I don't keep up with what's "hip" these days.  In fact, my daughter (who is turning 3 on November 5) tells me she has swagger, and I don't really know what that means, but I'm sure she has it.  I know there is a song about a fox that's popular right now, but I've never heard it.  And, when I found out what the Harlem Shake was, I had to look it up, and realized...that's how I actually dance. Seriously. Ha!

But anyways, that's beside the point...back to "frenemy".  For those of you who are not cool like me and don't know all of the cool terms, frenemy means: An enemy disguised as a friend.  I looked up the definition in the Urban dictionary, just so you know it's legit.

As a working mom/wife, my biggest frenemy would have to be DINNER TIME!  This picture described my life perfectly...

Y'all, I can't even tell you how much I hated cooking supper.  I had zero motivation.  My mind could not wrap around the fact that my child and husband wanted to eat Every. Single. Night.  You'd think someone who grew up in a home with such an amazing mom who had a home-cooked meal on the table every single night (even when she worked full time outside of the home) would grasp that fact, but I couldn't.

That 5 o'clock hour would creep up on me.  I could feel myself becoming aggravated and frustrated that again, I hadn't planned for it.  I didn't have the groceries I needed to make something, and my husband would come home with a rumbling tummy and to me giving him blank stares.  Let me say this...my husband doesn't expect me to do it all.  He chips in with everything around the house.  He's not one of those, "Fix me a sandwich, woman." kind of guys.  Could you imagine...me with a guy like that?! HAHAHA! That just wouldn't work.  On those nights when my husband would come home from work to an empty table, HE would cook supper, happily.  He has Iron Chef/Chopped skills where he can make amazing meals out of nothing.  I don't.  I need a plan.  I need a recipe.  I function better that way.

So one day it dawned on me...this realization that I hated cooking dinner.  I had all of the symptoms of it, but never really the revelation of it.  Now, I'm a great cook (if I do say so myself), and I love cooking.  I just hated the pressure of dinner time.  I told Jeremiah that day that I hated cooking dinner.  He said, "Kristen, honey, I already knew that."  And, then we came up with a plan.  He would cook dinner and I would clean the house.  I was so excited to be relieved of that pressure.  Freedom!

God taught me so much through this.  As I began to experience the freedom from cooking dinner, I WANTED TO COOK DINNER!  No joke, y'all.  I cooked dinner more after that "confession" and time of pressure being relieved than I had in the last year.  It was like a switch was flipped in my heart.  Isn't that how God works?  He removes pressure from our lives, and gives us the freedom to transform?

So now, believe it or not (believe it!), I cook dinner pretty much all of the time, unless Jeremiah just wants to.  I make a weekly meal plan, grocery list, find new recipes and try them out, and cook delicious meals for my family.

God has shown me the value and love I can express to my family through dinner time.  Emery tells me every night, "Momma, thank you for cooking me dinner!" without being prompted.  Her little heart KNOWS it's an expression of love for her from me.  And, for that, she's thankful.  My husband LOVES coming home to a house that smells of a home-cooked meal and I LOVE doing that for him.  I found that when the pressure and expectation I had placed on myself to be a pinterest-pinning-and-cooking-momma was released, I could be what I wanted to be.

The Lord is teaching me every single day how to live this life with happiness.  To some people this little dinner time revelation wouldn't mean anything, to me it's been a huge blessing.  I often say, if what I'm learning in my personal study time, church time, Bible study, etc. with the Lord doesn't help me pay the bills, raise my children, love my husband, love people, and have dinner on the table, I don't have time for it.  God is doing just that...he's so graciously teaching me how to live life and love my family the way He intended...without pressure.  I'm blessed.

Eden Lee's Birth Story

What a sweet surprise to find out I was pregnant with Eden!  I found out in October of 2012 and was really excited we'd be having a summer baby (rare occurrence in our family!)  Time passed when in January 2013 we found out we were having another girl!  I've always known Jeremiah makes the perfect daddy to girls...it just fits.  In February after prayer and research I decided to switch from my regular OBGYN to a midwife and have a natural birth at our local birthing center.  It was a tough decision for us to make as a family because of some of the things we went through with Emery's labor and delivery, but I had a strong peace about it and desire for it.

Emery's birth was a tough one.  She had shoulder dystocia and a broken collar bone.  As new parents, we were devastated and never wanted any of our children to go through anything like that again.  I felt like being able to labor the way I wanted, labor in the water, move, get up from the bed when I wanted, etc., would be the key to preventing that from happening with Eden's birth and I knew I could easily do that at the birthing center.

As my pregnancy with Eden progressed, the midwives kept a close eye on her weight gain to make sure she wouldn't be 'too big' for me to deliver.  When I was 38 weeks they did an ultra sound and found out she was tiny (6lbs 5oz) and decided to do ultrasounds every week until I delivered to make sure she wasn't too tiny.  She continued to grow at her own pace.  My due date (June 23) came and went.  I was so ready to have her!  I thought she would come early, but she had her own plans.

On July 1, a Monday, when I was 41 weeks 1 day pregnant, the midwife told me I had until Wednesday to have her at the birthing center.  It's their policy to only have patients 41 weeks 3-4 days for safety reasons.  I was stressed!  I desperately wanted to avoid hospital birth.  I had some friends and family pray for very specific things regarding labor and delivery of Eden that week...one being that I would have supernatural favor with the doctor and midwife that they'd give me extra time if needed.  We went in the next day for natural induction methods (nipple stimulation) and it didn't work.  Again, I was super bummed because that meant Eden only had 1 more day to come on 'my terms' :) .  We went in again on Wednesday, July 3, to try the natural induction method again and when we went in we had another ultra sound and non stress test.  Everything was still perfect in the womb and with Eden's growth, so the midwife came in and told me they would give me until Saturday when I would be 41 weeks and 6 days pregnant to have her at the birthing center!  I was SO relieved.  God answered the prayer of so many.  I knew she had to come by then, my stress level dropped tremendously, and I relaxed.  She said we could come in on Friday, July 5, and have my bag of waters broken and start the natural induction method again.  I would have 12 hours to get into active labor and could stay at the birthing center to have Eden without a transfer to the hospital.  That plan sounded the best to me and Jeremiah.

We had a restful 4th of July at my parent's house and spending time with Emery.  She spent the night with her grandma and poppa so we could get to the birthing center the next morning and relax.

Friday morning, July 5, Jeremiah and I went to the birthing center, had another ultra sound and non stress test where everything looked perfect still.  We went up to our birthing suite, The Tuscany Suite, and got settled.  My midwife was Annie.  Around 10:30 am she checked me (3-4 cm), broke my bag of waters, and we started the natural induction method again.  Things were progressing slowly.  Contractions were coming, but not very strong or regular.  My mom, sisters, and friend Natalie all arrived around noon to be my support alongside Jeremiah.  While we continued timing contractions, bouncing on the birthing ball, walking, squatting, etc, they all kept me laughing and entertained chatting and listening to worship music.  We were all praying active labor would kick in soon.  I loved having the freedom to eat and move around how I wanted to.  Such a different experience from a hospital birth!  After a couple of rounds of the natural induction, I noticed every time I would go to the bathroom, my contractions would get stronger and I was feeling a lot of pressure.  So, after sitting on the toilet for awhile, the contractions kept coming and coming.  I was in active labor!  The position must have been perfect for Eden to come down.  After getting checked again I was at 6 cm and remained there for awhile.  I got in the birthing tub around 8 pm because I was now in active labor from the contractions I had while on the toilet. :)  It was relaxing and the water helped ease the contractions.  We were all listening to the Civil Wars, chatting in between contractions, and watching the fireworks outside the window.  At this point, it was my dream labor come true.  It was easy, relaxing, and just how I wanted it.

After some time, I decided to get checked again because my contractions slowed in timing and intensity after being in the tub.  So, I got out and was checked and hadn't progressed at all.  At this point I was pretty discouraged.  In the back of my mind I was worried I wouldn't progress quickly enough and have to be sent to the hospital.  I think Annie must have known I was holding onto a fear because she had Jeremiah and I stay in the birthing room alone and talk about it and try to 'let go' of that fear.  After that, and some amazing hip motion exercises she helped me do, the contractions came back very strong, very consistent.  She had Jeremiah and I rest in the bed...which was what I really felt like I needed.  The contractions from that point on are what I consider transition contractions -- the contractions that build up to pushing.  During the contractions I could feel Eden moving down (finally!).  In between contractions I would rest in the bed and when they came, I would wake Jeremiah up (poor fella was exhausted) so he could help me through them.  At one point I remember yelling, "HELP, HELP, HELP!" and Jeremiah jumping out of the bed to get Annie.  When she came back in I told her I wanted to get back in the tub...I needed some relief and I felt like it was getting close.  As they filled the tub, I sat on the toilet again and let the contractions do their thing.  Annie and Jeremiah helped and encouraged me.  Then, it was time to get in the tub.  When I got in the tub it felt so good!  Just what I needed to relax.  The contractions were super intense at this point and it was impossible to get comfortable, but the water helped.  I don't think I was in the tub for 5 to 10 minutes before I felt like it was time to push.  I remember looking at Annie right as I felt a contraction coming on and saying, "Help me."  And she did, bless her heart! ha :)

The first urge to push I was hesitant on and didn't do it.  I didn't have myself in a good position to feel supported and push.  But, by the second time it was time to push, I just let my body do it's thing.  No one coached me on when to push, I just did it when I needed to.  I felt everything including the ring of fire!  I was extremely...vocal...during pushing lol!  I felt like Xena Warrior Princess!  It's a good thing I was the only momma in the birthing center that night.  I remember screaming to Annie, "Get her out of me!!!" a couple of times. Haha!  Once her head was out everyone told me to feel it, but I couldn't...I was so concentrated on pushing I couldn't think of anything else at that point. I remember at one point Annie telling me not to push for whatever reason, but it was nearly impossible not to.  Within a couple of minutes (at 12:46 am) Eden was completely out and Annie laid her on top of me.  She was completely covered in vernix and I was completely shocked I had just given birth to her.  Jeremiah and I were in love immediately!  It was such a cool moment.

We had decided to do delayed cord clamping, so it was kind of tricky getting from the tub to the bed with the cord still intact.  But, we did it!  And, once her cord stopped pulsing, Jeremiah got to cut it. :)  Once I got in bed I started having more contractions...it totally freaked me out!  I thought I was done! Haha!  After some time the placenta came out and I finally felt relaxed.  Eden latched right on to nurse and we had skin to skin while Annie and our nurse were taking care of everything else.  It was such a precious moment.

We left that morning around 10:00 am to go home.  I loved being able to go to my own house and be in my own bed!  I was really looking forward to having both of my girls together.  Jeremiah's parents brought Emery later that afternoon to meet her little sister.  Emery was in love!  It was the sweetest moment to see them meet.  Pride beamed from Emery!  She's such a protective, sweet, and loving big sister.

Big Sister & Little Sister

I feel overwhelming gratitude for Annie.  It's hard to explain.  I can never thank her enough!  She worked so extremely hard to help me have my dream birth experience.  She bent over backwards to accommodate.  She was nurturing and comforting. She prayed with us, gently guided us, and made Eden's birth amazing.

Eden with our midwife, Annie

Jeremiah was such a rock for me.  He is such a good partner in this life.  I'm thankful he was with me every step of the way.

My momma and sisters (including Natalie) :)  made me feel comforted.  They knew when to pray, laugh, be funny, be quiet, and be supportive.  I'm thankful they all go to be apart of Eden's birth.

Aunt Natatlie, Aunt Rachel, and Dea (Aunt Amanda was taking the picture)

I would do it all over again if I could.  I'm so thankful to have both of my girls in my life!  God is so good!

Eden Lee Miller

July 6, 2013

12:46 am

8 lbs 1 oz

21.5 inches

Coming out of the water

I love Jeremiah's face!

Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex GIVEAWAY!

That's right, I'm giving away another copy of Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!  You have until tonight to win!

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31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 31: Sex as a Weapon

I know what you might be thinking...and we're not talking about dominatrix here. (Yikes!)

What we are talking about today is using sex (or lack thereof) as a way to manipulate or punish your spouse.

"He didn't do this right, so there's no way I'm having sex with him tonight!"
"I'll show him!"
"I'm just not sexually attracted to my spouse anymore."

When you take sex away for reasons like that, what you're saying is, "My love for you is based on your actions and what you can do for me.  It's not based on the fact that I love you, just because."

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 tells us this, "³ The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. ⁴ The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. ⁵ Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

This is not an issue of one spouse being in control of the other or forcing one to have sex.  That's just wrong.  This is an issue of deciding to not be self-centered.  It's an issue of coming together intimately to strengthen the marriage bond.

I understand that medical issues and exhaustion come in to play.  I also know that a loving spouse should be sensitive to how their mate feels physically.  I'm not talking about those times.  I'm talking about the times when sex is just down-right denied for no-good reason.  It's dangerous to do that.  

We talked yesterday about foreplay, and I really believe that if foreplay is brought into the equation, sex will be more pleasurable for both parties and there won't be a desire to deny a spouse of it.

If sex has not been pleasurable for you, there are some practical ways to make it better.

Husbands:  If your wife denies you sex because it's not pleasurable for her, take some advice.  Ask your wife what she likes, and really focus on pleasing her during the sexual experience and not just "getting yours."  There are physical ways for men to 'hold out' so the wife can get the most pleasure.  Make the sexual experience less focused on you and more focused on the awesome intimacy with your wife.  If you're denying your wife sex, you're crushing her self-esteem.  Show her love this way, and she'll be able to show you love and respect in the ways you need.

Wives:  If you're denying your husband sex, stop.  Get to the root issue and resolve it, but don't deny your husband sex.  Maybe even be the one to initiate sex.  Shock him!  If you're being denied sex by your husband, consider a few things....how's his stress level?  Ask him if there's something you can do to help him relax.  Are you really respecting him?  If you're not, you could be turning him off.

In our culture, sex has become about "ME, ME, ME!" and what's the most pleasure *I* can get from it.  Sex in a marriage should be more about 'us' and less about 'me'.  When we take the time to be intimate and pleasure our spouse, we're strengthening our marriage bonds.  Have sex!  Have lots of sex!  Enjoy that time with your spouse!

I'm so grateful you've joined me on this 31 Days series.  There were times I wasn't sure I'd make it, and your encouragement and reading made all the difference.  God really does want us to have a happy marriage.  We're blessed to get to be married.  I hope you've enjoyed this series!  Thank you for reading!

The giveaway ends tonight!  If you haven't signed-up, there's still time!

Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 30: Foreplay

We're jumping in the deep end!  Why not?  This is real life and what real married couples deal with.  Ain't no shame!

God designed sex to be good and to be that connecting factor for husbands and wives.  God wants you and your spouse to have an awesome sex life!  One of the very first things He told Adam and Eve to do was "be fruitful and multiply."  Ummm...you guessed it!  That means have sex!  God is all about a good, healthy sex life for married couples.

So, on to foreplay...

We're going to talk about two different types of foreplay....out of the bedroom and in the bedroom.  The definition for foreplay is set of emotionally intimate and physically intimate acts between two or more people meant to create sexual arousal and desire for sexual activity. 

Foreplay Out of the Bedroom
I really believe that foreplay out of the bedroom is the most important.  Usually, without it, you won't even get to foreplay in the bedroom.  Foreplay out of the bedroom in it's most basic form is this....men need to feel respected and women need to feel loved.  Have you read Love & Respect? Dr. Eggerichs explains it so clearly.  

Ephesians 5:33 tells us, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

It's really hard to get 'in the mood' if you're a man and you feel like your wife doesn't respect you.  This comes in the form of nagging, correcting (especially in public), and even emasculating.  Husbands have a hard time giving love when they don't feel respected.  Love & Respect encourages wives to test their husbands by doing the respect test.  The respect test is when you tell your husband what you respect about him and listen to how he responds.  I did this with Jeremiah.  I told him a list of things I respect about him...he's willing to workout in the gym every morning to be healthy for our family; he works long hours to provide for our family; he helps maintain the house; he's a great dad, etc.  

Do you know what his response to me was?  "I love you, too!"  I never even used the word "love," but it was his automatic response to me respecting him.

When men feel respected they give love.  Respecting your husband is the best way to start foreplay outside of the bedroom.  You know, besides showing up naked with food.

It's really hard to get 'in the mood' if you're a woman and you don't feel like your husband loves you.  This comes in the form of neglect, unappreciation, and lack of support (emotionally and physically).  Wives have a hard time giving respect when they don't feel loved.  Husbands, you have a golden opportunity to have a great sex life when you really show your wife that you love her.  Help wash the dishes.  Change the kid's dirty diaper.  Send her a sweet text.  Let her know you love her and are thinking about her.  Brag about her to your buddies.  She might want to jump you right then and there!  If you treat her without love during the day, it's not fair to expect her to want to make love during the night.

If you find yourself in the crazy cycle of not respecting and loving each other, decide to break it.  It only takes 1 spouse to make that first move.  It will be worth it and, I bet you'll see a great return in the bedroom!

Foreplay In the Bedroom
So, have you read Song of Solomon?  Here's the very first verse of chapter 1:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine.

Talk about some foreplay!  Foreplay is Bible stuff!

As a couple has been married over time, sometimes it takes a little longer for the juices to get flowing than in those first few years.  Hormones settle in and life happens.  Foreplay is an extremely helpful way to rev up the engines!

My parents are pastors and have done many marriage conferences and marital counseling.  They've always said, "Women are like crock pots and men are like microwaves."  Sometimes, it just takes us women a little longer to get warmed up (if we even get warmed up).  Husbands, you can really help in this area by going slow and making sure you're both on the same page while you're in the bedroom.  Women, you can help your husbands out by acting like you're into it.

Take the time to make your bedroom romantic.  Set out the candles.  Play some good music.  Get the mood going in the right direction before you expect your spouse to be on board and raring to go.  Don't wait until Christmas and Birthdays to be intimate.  Make it a priority in your marriage. 

                                                                        Source: urbanoutfitters.com via Nastja on Pinterest

Intimacy and sex in a marriage can bond a couple so that during the hard times it's hard to break them a part.  Don't neglect this part of your marriage!  Many times it's the first to go when we get busy in life.  It needs to stay a priority.

Try out different kinds of foreplay in and out of the bedroom.  Have fun with it!  God loves to see married couples have a happy sex life!

Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

Remember the giveaway ends soon!

Giveaway! & 31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 29: Let's Talk about Sex, Baby.

Alright....

Y'all knew this had to come....

The SEX talk.

Trust me, it's a good thing.


We'll be talking about sex until the conclusion of the 31 Days series.

To kick it off, let's have a giveaway!

About the Book:

Do bad girls really have more fun? Surveys say no. The women who are most likely to enjoy sex are married and religious. In other words, they're Good Girls!

But good girls know that making sex great isn't about acting trashy. It's about recognizing what God really designed sex for, and then learning how to reap all these benefits and joyfully enjoy your husband.

Frank and contemporary, The Good Girls' Guide to Great Sex will give the newly engaged and new brides—and some veteran wives—a Christian resource to answer their most intimate, and embarrassing, questions. In a conversational style, with lots of humorous anecdotes, the book will show that sex isn't just physical: it's also an emotional and spiritual experience. And we'll learn why commitment in a Christian marriage is the perfect recipe for a sex life which is out of this world!

I listed this book on the resources post.  It's a great book.  Even if you don't consider yourself a 'good girl', you can gain a lot of great info from this book.

To enter the giveaway, follow the Rafflecopter widget below.



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Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*