31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 15: Adultery

Yup, I'm going there.  Adultery is rampant in our society.  And I'm not just talking about full blown sexual adultery.  There's also emotional adultery...when one spouse tries to fulfill emotional needs through someone or something other than God or their husband/wife.  Adultery is dangerous and extremely painful.

Is it possible to even experience a happy marriage after adultery?  Yes!  With God all things are possible!

During the time that most people need the most love and support is when so many people condemn them.  It's the time when compassion is needed most, and it's usually the last thing people get in that situation.

Do you remember the story in the Bible when the woman was caught in adultery and the religious leaders brought her to Jesus so He could "set her straight"?

Do you remember what Jesus' response was?  It was heart warming.

John 8: 1-11

 ^1-2 Jesus went across to Mount Olives, but he was soon back in the Temple again. Swarms of people came to him. He sat down and taught them.

^3-6 The religion scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, “Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?” They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him.

^6-8 Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, “The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone.” Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt.

^9-10 Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest. The woman was left alone. Jesus stood up and spoke to her. “Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?”

¹¹ “No one, Master.”

“Neither do I,” said Jesus. “Go on your way. From now on, don’t sin.”

Jesus' first response to her was non-judgmental, it was non-condemning, and it was peace and life to her.

Overcoming adultery in a marriage is probably one of the hardest things ever.  But, it is possible.  And there can be fullness of life on the other side of it.  Don't condemn yourself if you've been there.  Jesus doesn't.

It can take a lot of time and healing to forgive a spouse who's committed adultery.  If you are the spouse who has committed adultery, you also have to forgive yourself.  You've probably realized and have seen first hand how adultery can destroy a marriage and family.  You've seen how it can put your future in jeopardy.   When you got past the emotional high of adultery and reality hit, you may have even felt condemned.  Just know God's not the one condemning, and He can provide all the answers, time, and healing needed for marriages and families to overcome, whether that means getting divorced or staying married.

This is the best testimony I've ever heard of a married couple that faced adultery and overcame.  Please take the time to watch their story.  You can find more info and resources from Bob & Audrey Meisner's website: www.bobandaudrey.com.

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 14: Guest Post - Jill Windham

Where do I begin with Jill Windham?  This woman is uh-mazing!  Not only is she in the awesome Speegle family (and Lori Adgate's sister), but she has (unknowingly) taught me so many things about being a mother, wife, pastor's kid, and church staff.  Jill & her husband, Rod, have two beautiful children...Abi and Walker.  She serves as the Executive and Worship pastor at her church and her husband serves as the Children's Pastor.  Never will you meet a more practical and crazy couple.  It's impossible to explain.  You just have to meet them.  Jill blogs over at Old School Parenting from a New School Momma...if you want your life to never be the same (in a good way) go check it out.  I love this lady!

I asked Jill to guest post on the topic of serving your spouse.  She hit the nail on the head and I appreciate it so much!  Take it away, Jill......


When you try on your wedding dress, you don’t imagine it. When you’re ordering the invitations, you don’t fathom it will come. When you’re picking out silverware for your first home together, it’s light years away. I’m not talking about the wedding. I’m not really even talking about the turbulent first year. I’m talking about the Incredible Boredom-- the one that hits after the shiny wears off and stays around for years.

I’m not saying I've dealt with boredom in my marriage the entire time. After all, we've been married for 16 years and they've been the best 16 years of my life. But let me tell you… it’s just been in the last TWO years that I've finally discovered daily, unbridled JOY in my marriage. And while there’s many reasons, I've decided that one of the main reasons why is the simple fact that we've finally discovered that joy comes from simply serving each other. You probably heard that line and thought, “OH GREAT! Just what I needed—one more thing to DO.” But let me assure you, friend. Service, done right, is an overflow of the well of love within you for your mate. And if your well is dry, service can be the very drill that goes deeper in your soil and hits the mainline, causing a bubbling stream to erupt in your soul.

I have a Wonder Woman fetish. I love the chick. She’s glamorous, she’s beautiful, the perfect mix of femininity and toughness, and she was every boy’s dream from my 80s upbringing. I found the perfect WW coffee cup, and every day, I brew my morning coffee in this cup for my commute to work. A while back, one morning, I found my WW cup sitting under my Keurig spout, filled with hot water, prewarming until it met my brew. My sweet husband found a way to my heart that day, using my favorite thing- coffee, and my favorite cup- WW, to melt my not-so-fond-of-the-morning heart. The fact that he first of all noticed my pattern, then stopped his own hectic morning (we have two small children) to make this simple gesture for my heart, made me fall completely in love with him all over again. Is it really about the coffee? The cup? Nope and nope. It’s about how he saw a way to make my already enjoyable vice even richer.

He found a way to serve my heart.

Look around you. What is it that you can do to break up the mundane and interject a little TLC into your spouse’s day? Maybe it’s cranking the car for her so she isn't quite so cold when she gets in. Maybe you can sneak into his truck and have a CD ready for when he cranks the engine, set on his favorite song. How about after dinner, you run him a bath (men like baths, too), pour him his favorite drink, and leave him blissfully alone for 30 minutes? Could you order lunch and have it delivered straight to her desk on a hectic work day? I’m not talking about moving mountains. I’m talking about simple observations that we miss every day because we’re too busy checking off to-do lists to see that most of the time, our mate is the last person we serve… and often the last person we think about.

You know what I know? Deadlines come and go. Houses will be cleaned. Dinners made. Soccer practices attended. Get-togethers enjoyed. Life takes on its own tempo and we jump in. But if we don’t stop, look around, and then REALLY see… we miss opportunities to win our spouse’s heart by putting hot water in their coffee cup.

And thus miss what life is all about.


What wisdom...we can win our spouse's heart by serving them in the little things.  I just need to take this one and chew on it awhile!  Thank you, Jill!


*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 13: Laugh

Right now...this very instant...as this post is being published (thank you blog scheduling!), I can assure you that my husband and I are having a blast on our anniversary 'get-away'.  I can assure you that we have enjoyed delicious food, uninterrupted time, and good music.  I can assure you that we have laughed until we've almost cried or peed (sorry - TMI).

I have yet to find a couple that laughs together that doesn't stay together.

Proverbs 17:22 tells us, "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

If you're having marital issues, let laughter be the medicine to make it better.

Sometimes we just need to lighten up.  Sometimes we need to give our spouse a break.  Sometimes we need to give ourselves a break.

My husband and I really enjoy the TV show The Big Bang Theory.  Yes, it can get be a little raunchy sometimes, but overall IT. IS. HILARIOUS.  We laugh together nearly the entire time we watch it.  It's something we enjoy doing together.  We put Emery to bed, turn on TBS, and laugh for as many episodes that they'll play.  We're able to reference that show throughout different times of the day that take us right back to laughing.

Find something that you and your spouse can laugh about.  Having fun together and laughing together can be the very thing your marriage needs to go from bad to good or good to awesome!

Seriously. :)

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 12: First Impressions

One thing I learned from my momma is that you have an opportunity to make a first impression with your spouse every single day.  I know that may be a little confusing.  And some of you may be thinking, how can you make a first impression with someone you've already met?  It's pretty simple...how do you greet your spouse the first time you see them...whether it be in the morning, on lunch break, or when they come home from work?

I remember as a child when our first Cocker Spaniel, Buddy, died.  Our family was devastated.  We loved him so much.  My momma may not even remember this, but I distinctly remember her saying that one of the reasons she missed him the most was because when she came home from work he was always thrilled to see her and let her know it.  While, on the other hand, her teenage daughters we either busy doing homework, playing on the computer, or doing whatever else to sometimes only barely say, "Hi." to her.

Every time you see your spouse 'for the first time' you have an opportunity to make it grand!

I know there have been a couple of times when Jeremiah has come home from work that the first thing I did was dump all of my day's problems and frustrations on him without even considering what kind of day he's had.  Or, if I had been frustrated with Emery I would hand her over to him with a smug, "It's your turn."   How heartbreaking.  In the same sense, husbands, if your wife is a stay-at-home mom, you can greet her gently and not harp on her if the house isn't spotless, dinner isn't finished, and the kids are still in their pajamas.  Working in or out of the home can be daunting either way.

Many times, this is why spouses don't want to come home.  Deep down in their heart they think, "What kind of attitude will be thrown at me when I walk in the door?"  No one likes to come home to aggression, frustration, or even apathy.

We can really make our marriages happy by greeting each other in love; by simply saying, "Good morning!"; by asking our spouse how their day was before we pour out our day's events; by giving our children an example of how to treat each other...with love and respect.

My momma was awesome at this!  When we were little children she made an effort to greet my dad with love, to let him relax from a hard day's work, and to give him the opportunity to want to come home.  This is a trait most children have naturally.  I know as soon as Emery hears the garage door open, she runs to the top of the stairs giggling and dancing until her daddy walks up the stairs.  It's precious and it makes me that more excited to see 'daddy' come home.

1 Thessalonians 5:26 tells us to,  ^"Greet all the brethren with a holy kiss."

Let's show our spouse love first thing in the morning and when they come home.  Let's be their biggest fan.  We have an opportunity to love our spouse in the tiniest of ways, but with the biggest rewards.

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 11: Woohoo!

Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary!  Let's celebrate together!

I have to say, one of the most important parts in having a happy marriage is to celebrate your accomplishments.  And trust me, Jeremiah and I making it to 4 years is an accomplishment worth celebrating!

Four years feels like a lifetime, but also feels like a few days.  We've seen each other at our worst and our best.  We've wanted to leave each other, but found enough courage to stay.  We've brought an amazing daughter into the world together, and are learning how to parent her together. We've served the Lord side by side, and witnessed others face the same challenges we've had.  We've celebrated each other's accomplishments as simple as cleaning the house and having dinner ready to graduating grad school with a 4.0 and MBA.  We've experienced the loss of friendships and the making of new ones.  We've experienced the very love and grace of God to get us through these past 4 years.  We've experienced the un-overwhelmableness of a loving Father.  We've experienced forgiveness from each other when we didn't deserve it. And, we've experienced love from each other when we've needed it the most.

There's no one else in this whole world that I would rather have by my side than my husband.  Jeremiah, I love you.  I respect you.  And, I thank you for walking this journey with me.

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 10: Never & Always

By reading this series, I hope you're seeing that God's design for your marriage is one of complete happiness!  Some of you may read this and think I must have married waaaay up.  I did.  My husband is awesome!

One of the many things he's taught me is to be careful when we use the words never and always.

Those 2 little words slip in so easily to our conversations and disagreements.  But, I'd say 99% of the time, they don't represent truth.

"He never helps me with the house!"
"She always nags me!"

"You always do this...."
"You never do that..."

"I always take care of the kids and you never help!"

Those words have turned regular disagreements to passionate ones very quickly in our home.  Now, when either one of us tries to use them, we stop ourselves, slow down, and really think...

Does he really NEVER help with the vacuuming?  No.  That's not true.  The truth is that he helps out a lot.  It may not be when or exactly how I like it...but who made me queen of the vacuuming?

Does she ALWAYS try to tell me how to drive?  No. That's not true.  The truth is that she doesn't tell me how to drive when she's texting or singing along with the radio (ha!).

Do you see where I'm going with this? These little words can cause a lot of defensiveness.  Instead of using them, gently express to your spouse how you're feeling, or in some cases, keep your mouth shut and leave them alone. Ha!

Philippians 2:3 tells us, "Do nothing from factional motives [through contentiousness, strife, selfishness, or for unworthy ends] or prompted by conceit and empty arrogance. Instead, in the true spirit of humility (lowliness of mind) let each regard the others as better than and superior to himself [thinking more highly of one another than you do of yourselves]."

It's amazing that Jesus regarded us as better than himself.  He gives us His grace (ability) to do the same for others.  Be gentle and merciful when things don't go the way you think they should.  Let God's love flow through you to your spouse.

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 9: Vain Imaginations - How to Deal with Them? - Part 2

Yesterday we covered that vain imaginations were dangerous.  They are the thoughts and ideas that we believe as reality even if it's not the truth.  They can creep into our relationships and cause us to create scenarios that don't even exist.  They can cause us to question our spouse's motives, compare our relationship, and hold onto offenses.  When we have vain imaginations, we believe we are right and it's almost impossible for someone to change our mind.  Vain imaginations can be extremely blinding.

So, how do we deal with vain imaginations?  Well, if you're like me, it takes a lot of time, patience from others, and openness to God.

One of the first things you can do is ask God to reveal them to you.  Allow yourself to be wrong.

Besides being open to direction and correction from God, the first step I took to walk out of my vain imaginations was to make a decision to face the truth.  I opened up to Jeremiah about my issues.  I came to him from sincere truth.  I decided to lay it all out, to not hide behind lies.  I knew that being so honest could have cost my relationship, but it came to the point where I was either going to live in the truth or live in confusion.

The next and one of the most important things you can do to deal with vain imaginations is to be thankful!  When you are thankful for your spouse, your home, your job, your church, your friends, etc., you don't have room for vain imaginations to come in.  If I had been thankful for what I had in Jeremiah, I wouldn't have questioned everything and brought him along for the horrible ride.

If you're thinking the worst of your spouse, stop!

Philippians 4:8- 9 tells us, "Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."

God can work you into His most excellent harmonies when you're thankful.  It gives Him room to work on and in your relationship.  Thankfulness is the root of happiness!

2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us to, "Cast down imaginations and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."

Find out who you are in Christ.  Know you're free from condemnation.  Know you're loved by Him!  You have so much to be thankful for!

I'll leave you with this....when I read this passage I knew it fit in perfectly with vain imaginations.  If you would, read this by replacing the woman in this passage with vain imaginations.  It really gives a glimpse at the danger of what vain imaginations can do to your life.  

Proverbs 5

 ^1-2 Dear friend, pay close attention to this, my wisdom;
    listen very closely to the way I see it.

Then you'll acquire a taste for good sense;
   what I tell you will keep you out of trouble.

 ^3-6 The lips of a seductive woman are oh so sweet,
   her soft words are oh so smooth.
But it won't be long before she's gravel in your mouth,
   a pain in your gut, a wound in your heart.
She's dancing down the primrose path to Death;
   she's headed straight for Hell and taking you with her.
She hasn't a clue about Real Life,
   about who she is or where she's going.

^7-14 So, my friend, listen closely;
   don't treat my words casually.
Keep your distance from such a woman;
   absolutely stay out of her neighborhood.
You don't want to squander your wonderful life,
   to waste your precious life among the hardhearted.
Why should you allow strangers to take advantage of you?
   Why be exploited by those who care nothing for you?
You don't want to end your life full of regrets,
   nothing but sin and bones,
Saying, "Oh, why didn't I do what they told me?
   Why did I reject a disciplined life?
Why didn't I listen to my mentors,
   or take my teachers seriously?
My life is ruined!
   I haven't one blessed thing to show for my life!"

Make a decision to not let vain imaginations control your life. Choose happiness for your marriage!

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*