31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 22: Be Attractive...B-E Attractive!

We've talked about a lot of personal attitude and relational issues the last few days.  Now I'm going to take a post to talk about something more external...

My sister, Amanda, recently sent me a link to a single dad's post entitled, "16 Ways I Blew My Marriage."  It's actually pretty funny and insightful.  One of the ways he listed that stuck out to me was, "Don't stop being attractive."

My Mimi was amazing at this.  She would wake up early and make sure she 'put her face on' so she looked good for her husband and family.  When my parents were visiting her one time and my dad noticed she was always 'put together' before breakfast, he asked her why.  She said, "If I can't do this for my family, why would I do this for anyone else?"

WISDOM!

When we're dating we always look our best.  We spend time getting ready for our dates, picking out our outfits, brushing out teeth, etc.

But many times, after we're married, and we've got kids running around, we don't maintain that as a priority.

Our spouse deserves us looking our best.

Song of Solomon 2:16 tells us, "My beloved is mine and I am his."  We are in this together. We are one. When we put effort into looking nice for our spouse, we can really help our own confidence.

I know a lot of us don't look like we did while we were dating our spouse. That's life.  We get settled in home life, have kids, eat big family meals, and our bodies change as we get older.  It's just gonna happen.  No shame in that.  BUT, we don't have to dress frumpy.  We don't need to let being busy  become an excuse for looking sloppy.  We don't have to spend an hour curling our hair and $100 on a new outfit, but we can throw on some cute earrings and some mascara in less than 5 minutes and look more put together.  Husbands, you could wear cologne and shave for your wife without it being a special occasion.

I'm thankful for the times Jeremiah has overlooked my frumpy-ness.  And, I'm thankful for the times he's invested in looking good just for me.

Let's look our best for our mate.  Let them be the reason we 'put our face on'.

Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 21: Agreement

Two people.  Two different opinions.  Two different ways of doing things.  Two different outlooks.

Agreement.

How does it happen?

Sometimes not very easily, other times you don't even realize you're agreeing because it just happens.

As a married couple it's super important to be in agreement.  So, how do you go about deciding what to do in certain situations...specifically when you don't agree?

If you're a wife and ever had the "submit to your husband" verse thrown in your face, many times decision making in your marriage can rub you the wrong way.  I love what Dr. Gary Chapman says about this...

“The problem is that we’ve gone outside the Bible and used non-biblical models, for headship,” Chapman says. “For example, we use military models. The husband is the general. Or we use business models. We say the husband is the CEO. But the biblical model is Jesus.”

You know, Jesus loved the church so much He gave His life for it.  Jesus is saying to husbands...don't be a dictator over your wife.  He's saying...love her so much you'd give your life for her.

As a wife, when I know that Jeremiah loves me and would lay down his life (or what he wants) for me, it's easier to yield to what he may think is best if we're not in agreement.

Ecclesiastes 4:9 tells us that, "Two are better than one."

When it comes to making decisions in your marriage, it's better to both come together, share your ideas and thoughts, and to not make a decision quickly or under pressure.  

There are many times when I've brought up something and Jeremiah has said, "Why don't we think about this." Or, "Not now."  While I was probably aggravated in the beginning (because I'm awesome, and there's never anything wrong with my ideas...ha!), I'm so grateful that Jeremiah considered me and our family enough to wait about making decisions in haste.

In the same light, I know there are times Jeremiah is so glad I said, "Let's think about it this way." Or, "I don't know how well that would work in this situation."

When you know your spouse is for you it's easy to be flexible and compromise...and to hear, "No."

You can always disagree without being disagreeable.

Husbands, you have a treasure in your wife.  If she's not sure about a decision you're wanting to make, slow down and listen to her.  She loves you and doesn't want to see you hurt or your family in confusion.

Wives, you have a treasure in your husband.  The buck stops with him, and a good husband realizes that.  If he's saying no to something you're wanting to say yes to, give him the shadow of a doubt that he's really caring about the big picture.

Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 20: Rest

Today I've rested and spent time with my family.  I love it!  It helps energize me for the work week.  

Today's post is small, but if practiced, I think it can have some of the biggest benefits...

We need to rest.  We just need to enjoy life.  We need to rest in God's love for us.  When we're resting in love (receiving love) it's much easier to give it. 

When we're rested, we're more pleasant to be around.  

Rest with your spouse.  Enjoy their company. 

^{In Mark 6:30-31 Jesus has something to tell us, "}The apostles then rendezvoused with Jesus and reported on all that they had done and taught. Jesus said, “Come off by yourselves; let’s take a break and get a little rest.” For there was constant coming and going."

We can get so busy coming and going that we forget what's important...resting with our Lord (and with our spouse).

Rest this weekend.  Guard against business.  Be purposeful and intentional in your time management, and enjoy this one life with the one you love!

Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 19: Friends

There's almost nothing better than having a good support system of friends and family.  When the people around you have the same values for a good marriage that you do, you tend to encourage each other without even realizing it.

Every month Jeremiah and I host our church's Young Marrieds group.  We eat good food and spend time talking about marriage topics that will hopefully help us all.  We've built friendships with this group and have been able to have an openness with them that provides accountability and a safe place to share.

I encourage all married couples to find other married couples to be friends with.

It can sometimes get dangerous if as married people we try to hang out with our single friends all the time.  We're in different phases of life.  It's not that we can't have single friends, but once we're married, we need to guard our hearts that we don't yearn for the 'single life'.  Be cautious if hanging out with your single friends does that to you.  By having fun married friends, it helps remind us that marriage is just as fun (if not more fun) than single life!

It's funny to me that sometimes married people long for the good ole' days of the single life, while during the single life most of them were longing for the days of finding 'the one'.

1 Corinthians 15:33 tells us, "Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character"."

Single friends with bad intentions can hurt your marriage.  Men, be cautious of the guys you hang out with.  How do they talk about women?  How to they talk about your marriage to you?  Women, don't hang out with other women who tell you all men are bad.  That's not true, and it will sow negative seeds into your head.

If you're spending more time with your friends than with your spouse, change it.  Make time for the love of your life.  If you're not feeling the love anymore, spending more quality time together can help rekindle that.

Remember, your marriage is precious.  Guard it with your life!  And, find friends who will help you guard your marriage's oneness.

Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 18: Bedtime Connection

I know what you're thinking...

And, we'll get to that bedtime connection sooner or later............... ;)

When you dated your spouse, you probably couldn't get enough of each other.  You could talk all day long.  You could share every little detail about your life so easily.  You made every effort to spend as much time with them as possible.  Then, you get married.  You have careers.  You start having babies.  You have bills to pay.  You have meetings to attend.  Life gets super busy and sometimes we lose that loving connection without even realizing it.

Connecting with your spouse everyday is an important thing.  I know not every couple has the same schedule or even gets to see each other everyday (bless our military families) but, even if you can't connect every single day, it's important to have that as at least a semi-routine of speaking with each other....to be purposeful in connecting when you can.

One thing Jeremiah and I try to do is to connect at bedtime.  It's when we're both home, we're finished with the day's work, Emery's asleep, and we can take a couple of minutes to focus on us.

Dr. Doug Weiss who is the author of The Miracle of Marriage recommends doing a couple of things with your spouse at bedtime....

1.  Share at least 2 feelings you've had throughout your day.
2.  Share at least 2 praises you have about your spouse.
3.  Pray together.

Jeremiah and I have done this, and can really tell a huge difference in our relationship when we take the 5 minutes to share with each other.  I think it was a little different to share like this at first, but we got use to it quickly.

I know this type of thing may not be for everyone, but I do think connecting is a necessity for every couple.  In a time when everyone is usually extremely busy, it gives married couples a chance to come together and get on the same page.

Romans 14:19 tells us, "So let’s agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don’t drag them down by finding fault."

Use your energy to make your marriage peaceful.  Being intentional to connect with your spouse as much as possible really will help you have a happy marriage!

  

Source: bellemaison23.com via Kristen on Pinterest







Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 17: The Marriage Battle Cry: Correction

I will tell you....I am overly qualified to write today's post, because I can tell you exactly what not to do! Ha!

I don't know why us married folk get it in our heads sometimes that we have the right to correct our spouse.  We don't.  Plain and simple.  (I'm pretty sure I'm writing this post for myself today!) Who made us God?  Who made us the Holy Spirit to our dear one?

..........................................................yikes!


Many times we make it our job to tell our spouse what they are doing wrong, how they are acting wrong, and then move on to how they need to fix it.  We know best, or so we think.

Listen to me very, very, very carefully.

You will chip away at the very being of the person you love if you continue to correct them, especially in public.  I promise.  It will be ugly and painful.

I know as a correct-er, you really feel like you're helping out and making them 'better', but the correct-ee is slowly but surely feeling like they aren't good enough and can't do anything right.

This all comes back to Jesus.  If you really believe your righteousness is found in Him, you won't feel the need to make everyone else right around you to make sure you look good.  You will let your spouse do things their own way and have their own opinions without it having to be the way you think it should be.

Correction comes in many forms:

You're not washing that dish the right way, do it this way....
The vacuum marks on the floor should go back and forth, not left to right....
You need to hit the brake sooner....
Why can't you ever do this.....
Why do you have to do it that way....

Etc., etc., etc...

Our poor spouse shouldn't have to put up with that.  We're not their mommas; we're not their Holy Spirit; and we're not their teachers.  Beg your spouse for forgiveness if you've corrected them, especially if you've corrected them in public.  We are their lover, help mate, and biggest fan.  Don't take on another role in your marriage that will just bring more pressure to it.  Rest.  Love.  Compromise.  Let your spouse do things the way he wants to without saying a single word about it.  Leave that poor man (or woman) alone.

I've already shared this scripture, but it is worth repeating...

Matthew 7:1-5 says, “Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor."

Shew, Ok.  Now, I'm going to re-read this to myself as many times as it take for it to sink in. I might be here for awhile.  Ha!

Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 16: The Marriage Battle Cry: Nagging

I know that nagging is not an issue that only wives face.  But, since it is something that more wives than husbands deal with, this post is for us ladies.

Nagging is such a big deal that the Bible specifically talks about it multiple times.  Some of these scriptures make me giggle on the inside, and make me think, "Am I qualified to write this particular post?" Ha!

Proverbs 21:9 says, "Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse."

Proverbs 27:15-16 says, "A nagging spouse is like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet; You can’t turn it off, and you can’t get away from it."

Proverbs 21:19 says, "It is better to live alone in the desert than with a quick-tempered wife who loves to argue."

You are probably getting the picture.  The biggest thing I've learned about nagging is that while you may get your way, your whole household will be frustrated and you'll run the peace right out of your home. Nagging isn't worth it.  You'll drive your husband away quicker than doing almost anything else.

The first thing to ask yourself if you're nagging is: Is what I'm nagging my spouse about really necessary or am I putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on him?

Let me give you an example...

You're having company over and your house is a wreck.  You really need help to get 'everything' clean before the company arrives.  Your checklist includes everything from scrubbing the toilets to dusting the cobwebs out of the basement.  

Ask yourself, what is really necessary to have a decent home for company to walk into?  Is it ridiculous to put pressure on my husband to clean the the baseboards with a Q-Tip when I could ask him to Swiffer the floors instead?

I know in my own marriage, Jeremiah is more than willing to help, but as soon as I put unnecessary pressure on him to make something 'perfect' (or really, my way), nagging begins, and frustration soon follows.

Freedom in Christ is knowing that our lives don't have to look and be perfect.  It's knowing His grace is sufficient for us.  It's knowing we don't have to nag our spouse to do what we think they should.

If you're a husband reading this and you have a nagging wife, I hope you can be patient.  I hope you can look at her through the eyes that she's really trying hard to make things perfect and right.  Encourage her to rest.  Help release the pressure by helping out without being asked.

And wives, when you feel like you're about to nag, bite your tongue.  Most husbands can't hear the need because the nagging is speaking too loudly.  In a time when usually both spouses work outside the home, it's really important to be intentional in sharing responsibility and appreciating when things get done.  Communication really is key.     Ask you husband for help when you need it, but don't put unnecessary pressure on him.  If you don't feel like you're being heard, don't try to discuss issues in the heat of the moment, wait until things have cooled down.  And, take the pressure off yourself to be perfect, have the perfect home, have the perfect children, etc., etc.  When we remove that off of our lives, we can live a more laid-back life and really enjoy our spouse and family.

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*