31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 8: Vain Imaginations- What are they? - Part 1

Vain imaginations nearly destroyed my marriage before it even started.  I mentioned earlier that Jeremiah and I had an on-again-off-again dating relationship.  It was rough.  Lots of arguments, lots of break-ups and make-ups.  After about a year into our marriage, I asked God, "What in the world was all of that about?"  "What in the world happened?"

I got a simple answer.  "Vain imaginations."

I had NO idea what that was.  I had never really heard it taught before.  I had heard it in a sermon here and there, but never anything specifically about vain imaginations, at least nothing that really stuck out.

With my little knowledge about the topic, this is what I thought it was…

• Just a simple religious term that didn't mean much
• When someone thought of themselves as prettier than others; being conceited

I knew I needed to study it out.  After doing so, this is what I came up with...the 'Kristen' definition:

"Having a thought or idea about something or a situation and believing it is reality even though it may not line up with the truth of the Word of God.  And I mean REALLY BELIEVING it is truth – to you, it is."

Let me give you an example....

When I was pregnant with Emery, I was always burning up, hot!  I could never get cool enough.  I would have the AC turned to 68 and the ceiling fans constantly blowing.  Poor Jeremiah put up with me during that time.  He froze!  The truth of the matter was that it was really not hot.   I thought it was hot because of my hormones, but the TRUTH was that in all reality, it wasn't hot.

That's a vain imagination...you BELIEVE and even EXPERIENCE something as reality when it may not even be the truth.

Jonah 2:8 tells us, "They that observe lying vanities forsake their own mercy."

Vain imaginations can easily creep into relationships.  And when you observe them, or hold onto them, you'll forsake the very mercy you need to overcome them.  For mine and Jeremiah's relationship, I continually thought things were something that they weren't.  I compared him and our relationship to other's.  I made something that wasn't even real my reality.  And until I dealt with those vain imaginations, I lived a life of confusion.  I wasn't experiencing the peace of God.

This is how so many relationships fall into adultery   The wife sees someone else and thinks, "He's nice...he pays more attention to me than my husband does."  "The grass is greener."  The truth is, there's a septic tank feeding that grass to make it greener!  And, where you are, there you will be.  If you have issues with your spouse now, you'll just take them to the next person.

Vain imaginations will have you creating ideas in your head, putting words in other's mouth, believing that things are something that they aren't.  Vain imaginations will cause you to take everything personally, to hold onto offense, and manipulate to get what you want.  Vain imaginations are ugly!

Today I encourage you to ask yourself what areas you may have vain imaginations in your life.  Ask God to show you what areas you've labeled as "reality" in your marriage, but it's not the truth.  Be open for change and be open for happiness to come in!

Tomorrow we'll talk about practical ways to deal with vain imaginations!

These Willy Wonka pictures crack me up!

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 7: Guest Post - Lori Adgate

I am so excited about this post today!  I have known Lori Adgate for many years.  This girl comes from the best stock!  She has been married to her husband, Seth, for over 4 years, and they have 2 precious boys, Legend & Cash.  Seriously, with names like that you know these are some cool people!  Seth and Lori are the youth pastors (among many other things) at their church, Family Bible Church, in Eustis, FL where Lori's parents, Allen & Janice Speegle, are the pastors.

I asked Lori if she would share her story as our guest poster today.  It's a story I relate to so much, and I'm learning more and more of us married folk have similar stories.  Take it away, Lori!

When I met Seth I was at a place of completely selfishness in my life. I had just graduated high school and was living for myself. Don't get me wrong, I loved The Lord and I wanted to follow his plan for my life, but I see looking back that my biggest concern was me. Seth had just left a long term relationship and I myself had been in and out of relationships of some form for almost 4 years. Neither one of us were in any place to pursue something more serious than just friendship, yet we did. Everything was fine at first, yet quickly it went from good to bad. For about a year our relationship was off and on, until finally we made the choice to be exclusive and see where it would lead us. We ended up getting married less than a year later.

Our first year of marriage was spent in Dallas Texas where we worked and went to school. From the get-go there was constant arguing and disagreements. Neither one of us had real trust for the other and it showed. Anytime we were alone another fight would begin so we tried to mask it by being with others as much as possible. There is no doubt that we loved one another by the world's standards of love, yet by what Jesus said love was in 1 Corinthians, we lacked immensely. We were two complete individuals, never coming together as one unit, a team. Many tears were shed and hurting words were said in that apartment. I remember lying in bed many nights praying for a breakthrough or a way out. I felt too embarrassed to ask for help, to ashamed to leave, I was stuck. But things transpired and we moved back to Florida around our one year anniversary. Seth became an employee at church and I was a student. Missing my income, we ended up living with my parents for about 6 months.

My parents quickly saw that things were not healthy in our relationship. One day I can remember so vividly, my mom and dad asked to meet with us. I remember sitting in the living room of their house as they began to confront these issues they saw so present in our marriage. I was so embarrassed. I felt like a failure and couldn't believe I was in that place. But I knew that the road we were on would only lead to divorce. That day changed our marriage. Not because my parents had magic in their words, but because we, for the first time, were willing to confront what was going on. We were willing to sit down and see, yes we have some major problems. It was the first time I myself sat down and saw my issues and not just Seth's. I am so thankful for that day. My life would be so empty if we would have eventually given up. Not only would I have lost my best friend, but my boys wouldn't be here.

Marriage takes constant work. Not by just the wife or just the husband, but both. It's teamwork at its finest. It takes courage to face the problems. Many times Its easier to hide behind busy schedules and excuses. I know I did it. And it takes humility to say we need help. I'm not saying Seth and I are perfect now, that we never argue or disagree. But, I am saying we have learned what respect really is. We have learned to respect each other and ourselves. We have learned what forgiveness is.

If you are in that place with your marriage, don't give up. Confront the issues and ask for help from Godly counsel. God created family. His son died so that your family can thrive. Allow him to make that possible!

Isn't that an awesome story of God restoring a marriage?  God is so faithful!  I think where Lori says she felt too embarrassed to ask for help is the point so many of us get to.  Find people who can give you godly counsel when you're having a hard time in your marriage.  Knowing that God is for us and that He's not condemning us opens us up for correction and counsel.  Knowing there is hope for your marriage opens the door up for happiness!

Thank you for sharing your story, Lori!

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 6: Fighting Fair

Just so I know we're all on the same page, when I refer to "fighting" I am by no means referring to physical violence.  I am referring to verbal disagreements.  There is absolutely no place for physical violence in any relationship. With that said....

I don't know one single couple that's never had a fight.  If you are that couple...if you really exist, I would love to meet you, shake your hand, and ask, "What is your secret?!?  Do tell!"  When you're with someone in a marriage relationship where you live together, raise children together, take care of your home together, etc. confrontation will come up.

Not being surprised that you and your spouse may disagree on something is the first step in fighting fair.  If you get offended every time you don't agree on something, you'll start off on the wrong foot.  I know in my marriage there have been many times when an argument got out of hand...yelling, huffing and puffing, storming off, personal attacks, etc.  Many of those childish reactions stemmed from an expectation that it was wrong to disagree to begin with.  That's just not realistic, and it's a standard that will put pressure on a marriage causing even more disagreements.

My parents set an awesome example for my sisters and I in fighting fair.  I'm so thankful!  Here are some of the things they've taught me:

1.  When you're fighting with your spouse don't attack them personally or who they are, attack the issue.

Here's an example:  If Jeremiah kept leaving the toilet seat up (which he doesn't, I'm one blessed woman!), instead of me saying, "Jeremiah, you're so lazy! Why can't you put the toilet seat down?!?" I should say, "Jeremiah, I know it's probably not intentional, but it bothers me and sometimes causes an issue when you don't put the toilet seat back down.  Would you mind working on that?"

The way you approach your spouse in a disagreement can be the deciding factor in how your argument will turn out.

2.  Don't fight in public.

Recently I was in the Wal-mart parking lot and witnessed a married couple having a very heated argument while standing at their trunk, parked right by the front door.  What a sight to behold.  It was so awkward and embarrassing for me.  I can't imagine how they felt when they realized what happened.  When you feel an argument coming on, have enough respect for your spouse (and yourself) to wait until you can discuss it privately.  Also, be careful not to argue in front of your children.  I know my parents were awesome about this.  I can only remember a couple of times when I saw them disagree in front of me, and even then they were respectful of each other.  It was just enough to set an example of  what respectful disagreements look like.  Always keep a united front in front of your children, otherwise they will take complete advantage of you!

3.  Know when to stop.

If it's 2 in the morning and you're still arguing about something, STOP.  Go to sleep.  Finish it later.  Arguing while you're exhausted will never solve anything.  There have been times when Jeremiah and I have fought until we have fallen asleep.  That was ridiculous! Ha!  There have been other times when we've fought before bed, decided to stop, hugged, kissed, went to sleep, and then discussed it the next day after we were well rested and thinking straight.  I much rather experience the later.



Proverbs 12:18 tells us, "Rash language cuts and maims, but there is healing in the words of the wise."

It's so important to have enough self-control (it's a fruit of the Spirit that God has already deposited inside of you!) while arguing that you maintain respect, boundaries, and love for your spouse.  Disagreements will happen, but they don't have to control your emotions and reactions.  You can disagree without being disagreeable.  Ask God for wisdom in how to handle confrontations; He'll happily give it to you!

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 5: I'm Sorry

One of the very best phrases a married person can use is, "I'm sorry."

Pastor Allen Speegle says, "Nothing takes the air out of confrontation like admitting your faults first. If you find yourself dealing with an explosive situation admit "your stuff" instead of harping on theirs."

There is so much truth in that!  I don't know how many times I could feel a situation escalating between Jeremiah and I, and as soon as I said, "I'm sorry." there was an instant peace. Unfortunately, there are even more times when I didn't say, "I'm sorry." and things got way out of hand.

Saying, "I'm sorry." has been hard for me in the past (let's be honest, it sometimes still is).  If you feel the need to 'be right' or prove you're right at all costs, saying sorry will be difficult.  I am learning that having peace is worth way more in my life than being right.  

Towards the end of the hellish time in the first 6 months of our marriage, I remember things felt out of control.  We were arguing constantly, and usually about something trivial.  My wise husband told me one day, "I am making the decision that we are having peace in our home."  Basically, I had no choice about it.  At that point, I would have argued with a wall to prove how right I was instead of having peace.  Thank God my husband put his foot down on that issue.  If we had continued down the path we were going, I'm sure we would have been divorced by now.

The thing is, you can be right...so right, in fact, that you're wrong.  My dad says this, "If you're right you don't need an argument, and if you're wrong you don't have an argument." 

Matthew 7:1-5 tells us, “Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor."

By constantly trying to prove your rightness and your spouse's wrongness, you can be pushing out the very happiness, peace, and love God has called your relationship to have.  By pointing out your spouse's issues and not looking at your own, you'll push your spouse away.  Through the years I am learning to say, "I'm sorry" more quickly...and sincerely mean it.  Peace is way more important than being right.  

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 4: Keep Your Mouth Shut

I'm very thankful for the people God has placed in my life to share their wisdom on marriage before I was even dating.  One of the best pieces of wisdom Jeremiah and I have ever received and actually listened to (ha!) was to keep our marriage problems to ourselves.

Don't run to your momma and throw up all of the horrible things your husband has done.  Husbands, don't run to your momma and slam your wife.  Do you know why?  You will forgive your spouse (hopefully, ha!).  Your momma, on the other hand, will not so easily forgive.  Seriously, you can't blame her.  If someone ever does anything wrong to my baby girl I just might have to kill him. ;)  Dealing with issues in a marriage is hard enough, but having negative feelings from others towards your spouse only makes it harder.

This piece of wisdom goes a lot further, too.  It's not wise to tell all of your marriage business to your friends, family, and especially facebook.  Oh please, oh please, don't post your negative thoughts about your spouse or what they did wrong on facebook.  I promise, no one on there wants to see it unless they are in the same boat themselves.  The thing is...YOU picked your spouse.  If you're having horrible issues and blurting them out to everyone, YOU look like the fool.

When Jeremiah and I went through our first 6 months of "hell", we agreed to keep it between us.  As hard as that was, thank God we did.  We didn't give other people room to plant seeds of negativity or division in our relationship.  Whenever it came to the point of having to talk to someone we chose people who we looked up to; people who could give us godly counsel; people who wouldn't pick sides; people who wouldn't gossip.

If you're spilling your guts to people that you shouldn't be just agree to stop.  Apologize to your spouse and to the ones you've spoken with.

Proverbs 10:19 (NLT) Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.

Start fresh!  When you're not giving out negativity about your spouse or being fed negativity about your spouse, you're making room for happiness to come in.

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 3: Forgive

FORGIVE.  Why does that usually sound like a four letter word?  I really think it's because people have a misconception about what forgiveness really is.

I remember when Jeremiah and I were dating we ran into a lot of hard issues.  Lord, help us!  At one point, Jeremiah did something that I wasn't happy about. That wasn't hard to do since I was so difficult. Ha! :) He had sincerely apologized, and I knew he meant it. But, this particular instance was something I was having a hard time forgiving him for.  In time I got to the point where I "forgave" him, but anytime we were in an argument, I continued to bring it up.

The Lord quickly taught me "forgiving and not forgetting" is not real forgiveness.

My wake-up call came one day after Jeremiah and I were arguing and I habitually brought up the past infraction.  Jeremiah gently said to me, "Kristen, you either forgive me or you don't.  But, if you've forgiven me, quit bringing it up."  Ouch!  He was so right.  I was just as guilty of causing friction between us if not more so!

Forgiving someone is NOT saying, "What you did to me is OK or right" or "I will let you hurt me over and over."  Forgiving someone is saying, "I release you and your actions from controlling my life, emotions, and reactions." Forgiveness is freedom to love and be loved!

I was playing a victim.  I was stirring up things of the past that had no place in my future.  I was focusing on everything that had gone wrong instead of focusing on what was going right.  I was continually beating Jeremiah up about something he was sorry for and not wanting to relive every time we argued. I was only focused on me.  I nearly cost us our relationship.

Actions that require forgiveness can be overcome; however, withholding true forgiveness will always cost you more.  It could cost your marriage.

Proverbs 17:9 tells us, "Overlook an offense and bond a friendship; fasten on to a slight and—good-bye, friend!"

You and your mate will do things that require forgiveness.  It's just gonna happen.  Be generous in forgiving AND forgetting.  Don't bring up old infractions.  Deal with them and move on.  You will be a happier person and in turn your marriage will be a happier one!

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*

31 Days to a Happy Marriage: Day 2: The Right One

Have you ever asked yourself, "Did I marry the right one?"  I did....a couple of times.  I know my husband did, too.  He told me. Ha!  There were many times where both of us threw our hands up in the air saying, "What in the world did we get ourselves into?!"  "How could I possibly have married who God wanted me to if I feel this way?"

If you have ever asked yourself those questions, let me answer them for you quickly and simply...  Yes, you married the right one.

If you are married, you are married to the right one.  The first tip to having a happy marriage is to get that settled within your heart as soon as possible.  If you're thinking back fondly on old boyfriends (or maybe even ex-husbands), remember that they are ex's for a reason. If you're comparing your husband to someone else, stop.  You're setting your marriage up for failure by doing that.  Marriage is a sacred and special thing.  Once you're married, you become ONE with your mate. You're only causing hurt and pain by comparing your spouse to others.

In Philippians 4, Paul says, ¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.


You might be wondering what that scripture has to do with marriage.  Well, learning the secret to being content in all areas of you marriage starts by knowing you're with the right one.  I looked up the definition of this particular usage of content and it means, "independent of external circumstances." Being content with our spouse is saying, "I'm not going to base my love for you and my satisfaction with you on circumstances."  That can be hard to do...especially during rough times.  But, when we believe that we're with the one God has for us, we really can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.  We'll be able to face the hardships of marriage and the awesome times in marriage because we can be satisfied with who we're facing them with.  We can even learn to be excited about our spouse!  Moving from questioning our marriage to excitement about our marriage is where God wants us to be.

*Find a list with links to the other posts in this series here.*